Bringing up bêbe - part 2

I see you all agree with me on part 1 of this Book Review… I got no comments, so I assume you must all agree with French child rearing? How wonderful for US/French relations and for the author Pamela Druckerman! Are the French right again? Or perhaps people are content with their styles and not bothering with the latest parenting fad?   Either way, I found it an interesting read and worth considering, at the very least.

No mother is perfect. We logically know this is true, but do we really follow this principal? Of course not we hope this is true and acceptable, but just in case, we go the extra mile. If we burn out, then perhaps we will be sainted? The French are more realistic, assume they won't achieve sainthood, and try not to burn themselves out. After all, there are no perfect Moms.

Parenting involves a framework.  There is a framework called “cadre” that is central to French parenting philosophy. The French enforce a few important rules strictly and ignore the rest (the “naughty” things).

Another concept is that the child inherently will do dumb/naughty things (bêtises) throughout their childhood, which are therefore accepted and ignored. This is most likely why the French are rarely heard yelling at their kids. Americans often assume the kid’s naughtiness is a factor of how well they have taught them, assuming again that kids are blank slates and we imbed everything in them. Therefore, if a kid does something naughty, then perhaps we weren't clear about the rules with them?

Kids are people too, and they speak to them as if they understand from newborns.  Hence, they are expected to say Hello, Goodbye, Please and Thank you to all other people they meet on all occasions (not babies of course, but starting from when they can speak).  Even if they are shy, they must say these things, and to people young or old. American kids may or may not, depending on their mood, which does not enamor them to people (French folk in particular, I guess).  I used to force my kids to do this but my US hubby doesn’t feel pressured to do this, so it fell by the wayside in our house [not true].

Kids are expected to reject a food a dozen times or so, and parents will keep serving a dish a couple dozen times until the child gets used to a taste.  Also, during meals kids aren’t given any snacks or dessert (only during afternoon snack), so a child is encouraged to taste everything.  Parents will also not serve mono diets (diets of only a couple of dishes or ingredients) and will mix diets so much that some foods are served only once a year.  Also, kids often eat separately from the parents. Parents will also feed their children in courses, giving veggies first to take advantage of when they are starving. Parents will cook snacks (gouters) together with the kids, so kids get used to respecting ingredients and foods as well as get used to cooking.

Parents do not accompany kids to play dates or birthdays.  I kind of like this rule.  You get some ‘me’ time during the play date and learn to let go of any parental anxieties of kid’s behavior.  Also it is cheaper for birthday parties (US parties often cost $200-400 per party and include costs for parents). This is a part of fostering independence in the child but is also somewhat in a monitored situation till they are adults.

They also live more for the moment, enjoying the finer but simpler things in life that surely is ‘French’. They will do things like sign their kids up for sleep away camps from 5 yrs old. Americans won't do this until the kids are in middle school or above.  They will encourage independence from a young age and assume the child will have his own life and privacy.  This allows for more ‘Adult time’.  Adult time seems to occur every day in the evening.  The kids are put in their rooms (not necessarily to sleep) and the parents are left alone.  Kids can do what they want but should be sleeping; otherwise they will be tired the next day.  Parents don’t enforce this, as the child will learn this.  (I wish my kids and husband will learn this J).

As a last resort French parents fall on the adage of “it’s me who decides”. Kids get a lot of freedom and are allowed bêtises, but the parent decides at the end of the day any issue (usually within a cadre). In particular, the French cadre includes things about kid’s appearance, kid’s meals, respecting others and so on.  Americans parents get so involved that they almost live their kid’s lives. The French will parent according to the cadre and they will let the kid live his life. I.e., don't interfere in the child’s experiences and try to save them from life experiences and growth.

Again I am not sure I agree with all of the points in this book, but it is interesting to compare the parenting cultures and read someone who studied what the differences might be. I think there is much more to parenting differences than just those in this book, but it is a starting point.

 XO

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What we are eating lately

I love to eat (a little too much sometimes) so I cook what I want to eat.  I am a practical cook focusing on healthy meals (mostly) and organic natural ingredients.  I get the biggest buzz feeding my family foods that I harvest from my organic garden and fill their bellies.  I would say that I don't cook just because I love cooking, or follow many culinary rules (right now).  I try to follow general rules/recipes but invariably I don't have an ingredient or tool and 'make do' somehow.

Below are some pics from some of the dishes we have been eating lately.  Hope you enjoy them.

Greek salad with homegrown lettuce, multicolored heirloom tomatoes, onions, chives, dressed with feta, olive oil and sesame seeds (add pine nuts if it is a main meal).

Another version of my Greek salad before dressings.

Green, white, red, yellow, orange and purple organic heirloom tomatoes cooked in onion & garlic saute with canola oil topped with farrn eggs (poaching them kind of).

Another variant of the above but with kale, was cooked longer than this pic shows.

Stuffed veggies, I will stuff peppers, tomatoes, (sometimes eggplant & zuchini too) with rice, nuts, tomatoes, herbs and canola oil and then bake. As a general rule I cook with canola as it has a higher cooking temp than olive oil but I prefer and use olive oil everywhere else.  You can make big batches of these and they freeze well too.

My kale saute with onion, garlic, oil.  Delish and super healthy, if only you can smell these dishes cooking!

Add some tomatoes and you have kale saute with tomatoes, voila!

Chunky homestyle tomato sauce base for any dish.  Chunky cut tomatoes, sauteed in the usual oil, onion, garlic base, add herbs as desired.

Ok, now we don't eat this for breakfast, lunch, dinner, these photos were taken over the course of a couple of weeks.  We usually give the kids a low sugar cereal with low fat milk while I might have PB toast for breakfast.  On weekends we do eggs/crepes/pancakes or waffles for breakfasts. Sandwich or soup or salad for lunch (Greek salad is perfect for a mini meal (petit dejeneur) such as lunch).  Or I often make a bean salad with kale, tomatoes and whatever else I have that is available, healthy and fresh.  Soups and chowders dominate winter meals.  For dinner I will have a salad or soup and perhaps a small protein.  Such as the egg dish above or stuffed tomato dish with nuts, a little salmon now and again, some meat occasionally etc.

Snacks are usually cut fruit at home but outside home we occasionally have convenience packaged foods and drinks.  The kids may or may not finish the meals pictured above but we insist they try everything and encourage a full belly or something mostly healthy.

What's happening in your kitchen?

XO
  

My own Olympics

I seem to be glued to couch watching the 2012 London Olympics.  After watching nearly everything on TV, I almost considered competing in future Olympics.

I was dreaming (during the commercial) about which event I could compete.  After all they have trampolining, ribbon dancing and handball as Olympic events.  

So I've come up with ideas for creative future events:

Waking up as late as possible and yet still get the kids to school (or camp) on time.  You will be automatically disqualified if your family rises early or prepares the night before. Difficulty points will be given for crabby kids, or for searching for missing items, and being out of gas in the car. We could also throw in hurdles (at the contestants) such as not having directions, needing to buy milk for breakfast, forgetting the time, forgetting to sign up for camp, being up all night, forgetting to set the alarm etc.  Bonus points apply for getting this activity done within 30 minutes while it is snowing with the gas on red and no laundry done.

Coordinating after school activities so that everyone gets to do something but you don't live in the car. So much more challenging that being a chess champion! Also you need a college minor in child development as you can't sign up a kid with 3 similar activities on the same day (unless you are mad at them :)).  You will be disqualified if you carpool.  Difficulty points can be earned by remembering which kid hates which activity, signing up at the last minute, adverse weather, and car servicing or traffic conditions.  Bonus points for bringing appropriate activities for the waiting kids, not getting a traffic ticket and for managing to fit in fast food order along the way. You will get a silver medal automatically if you can eat a whole McDonald’s salad with a fork while you are driving, and not get any stain on your clothes while driving between activities and the kids are whining in the backseat.

Managing to keep a resemblance of two careers and raise kids with no assistance.  This surely gets maximum difficulty points and may require medication (sleeping pills for the kids and uppers for you).  You will be disqualified for having a doting widow grandma or a flexible job.  Points in descending order: having a good day care, having other relatives that still answer the phone when you call, neighbors that haven't yet called CPS and a church that hasn't excommunicated you. Penalties will be applied for a kid with no issues that is easy to manage and never gets sick. Hurdles could be that the kids interrupt the conference call, or working from home with no nanny.  Also you must keep the kid busy with appropriate stimulating activities while you work, bonus points if you get your job done while being interrupted every 20 seconds, if your kid has ADD, if you home school, if you clean the house and you the gardening while doing all the above.

Making meals that the whole family will eat.  This is usually a multi day event that requires deciding what to eat/serve, buying food, having time to prep food, cooking, serving and the whole family eating it.  You will be disqualified if someone says thank you or 'it was delicious' or helps clear up.  Bonus points if this gets done in 30 minutes starting at 5:30 pm (including shopping), bonuses if it is has colorful vegetables and done in between after school activities.  Difficulty points awarded for multitasking while doing this and for not having any of the ingredients on hand for the proposed meal or for making a meal from weeds in the garden.  Most contestants will make their complete meal from scratch, including making your own bread, growing vegetables, making yogurt etc. Extras awarded for milling your own wheat or milking your own cow. Penalties for kids that will eat whatever is in front of them and for kids or that aren't at least one of the below: have allergies, gluten sensitive, dairy intolerant, vegetarians, vegans, fussy eaters, picky eater, kosher, diabetic, on a diet, or halal. Extra points if you know of the below diets and can work out a meal plan for a dinner party for 30 people: Low Oxalate, SCD, GAPS, Body Ecology, Failsafe, Feingold, and Weston A. Price.  If your child is anorexic then you are automatically awarded a bronze medal!

Looking nice needs to be an Olympic event.  It is a multi pronged effort. You would need to know the season you are in [and the clothes aren't in the attic - eaten by moths, or moldy in the basement], (bonus points if you are jet lagged and lost your luggage), color matching (extra points if you are color blind or completely blind).  You need to be young enough to know what is in style (points for getting a teenagers approval on your style for a school meeting).  You need to have access to appropriate stores, difficulty points for dressing for a fancy event with shopping at the dollar store, or for only having Nordstrom’s nearby and needing a whole outfit for $2.  You will be disqualified if you are gorgeous and don't have any figure problems or if everything looks great on you (just because :)).  Extra points if you can dress for a wedding without having done any shopping or laundry and within 15 minutes (you get silver automatically if it is your wedding!).  Points for the below: doing laundry by hand, having detergent, having time to do laundry, drying on a line, folding clothes and ironing everything  (including underpants), putting clothes away in closets or dressers.  No points if you husband and kids actually do any laundry or know what clothes to combine to look nice and appropriate for the activity.  No points if clothes end up in the hamper (instead of the floor).  Bonus points for turning all clothes inside out and checking pockets or washing instructions.

Max points for making your own detergent and sewing your whole families own clothes, growing your own cotton, making your own fabric (including undergarments and shoes), ironing with an iron you put in the fireplace (or can get out wrinkles without any iron at all) and still having some friends and social activities.

Any other creative or interesting events you can think of folks?

XO

Things to do this summer in NJ

Festival of ballooning
Visit shore and boardwalks
Visit Cape May and see old architecture
Visit Atlantic City
See a show at PAC
Go see Northlands
See a show at the State Theater
Visit a PYO farm
Go to a local lake
Go to a town fair or festival
See a movie
Visit lots of parks
Go to a baseball game
Visit a winery
Go to a local pool or waterpark
Visit an amusement park
Go to the races
Do a library show
Visit a state park
Buy things at a farmers market
make smores on a camp fire

did I miss any of your favorites?

XO

Turtle back Zoo!

We love museums but my younger son really loves animals.  So off we went to the Turtle Back Zoo in West Orange, NJ recently with friends.

It is fun filled wild afternoon in Essex county, NJ.

Attractions include a giant python, animal theme play area, walk thru prairie dog exhibits, farm petting area, pony rides and mini train ride.

You can rent strollers or bring your own or just walk around, it isn't too big for older toddlers.

There is a picnic area for BYO food, or buy something in the cafe.

They have educational worksheets for readers and activity sheets for all ages.

It is mostly open 10-4 but hours vary depending on the season or day of the week.  Also they have a discount afternoon when some services are limited but great for walking around.

Note: the kids slide in the play area is almost always mobbed with kids of different ages so beware with younger kids.

Parking is ample and free!

XOXO

Dinosaur time!

We love museums and the boys are especially drawn to dinosaurs and natural history.  So off we went to preview Field Station Dinosaurs recently and it was amazing.

It is like walking back in time to the Jurassic age (90 million years ago). It is a huge complex near the Meadowlands, but not at the Meadowlands (a Laurel Hill park ground in Secaucus nearby).

There are 31 life sized animatronic Dinosaur displays; the trip was fun and educational. There are workshops and games and worksheets. There is a fossil dig site half way thru the trail that gives the kids a break and they have fun digging up fossils.

There is a crayon site where the kids get to draw dinosaur related pictures. There is an amphitheater with regularly scheduled talks and workshops (we got to see various baby dinosaurs up close and ask questions).

There are a couple more archaeological outposts for viewing various archaeological site formats with objects an archaeologist might use in real life at a real dig site.

Lunch needs to be brought or pre ordered, as there is only a small gift shop with limited snacks available.

Photos are available at the gift shop with pics of the site near the entrance, however the pictures didn't seem to upload very quickly so we didn't get a chance to purchase any.

There are bathrooms at the venue but they are the nicer but portable ones.  Parking is available at a small fee.

My favorite displays were the raptors, seem like an amazing feat to be able to fly with that size bird.

Enjoy our pics.

XO

Things to do on Easter day or Passover

Create an Easter egg hunt for kids perhaps your own
Make Easter breakfast
Have or make an Easter dinner or lunch
Take a walk with family
Take the kids to the playground
Play with the kids
Go to church
Volunteer at church
Volunteer elsewhere
Let your body and mInd relax
Call extended family
Watch tv
Read a good book
Get a magazine
Make summer or vacation plans
Enjoy yourself!

Family

We love to love family, we love the Hallmark cards image and Norman Rockwell image that family conveys. However the reality is that family is just a bunch of people. Those people may have stresses and problems just like you. They may have kids and careers that demand things of them. Some of us are lucky and our families are just what we hoped, or mostly like that image in our heads. Others are not so lucky.

Some families hurt each other through words or actions. Perhaps not intentionally but through old Mis or pre conceptions. Some families ignore one another as a way to cope and relate to each other. Others are cool and aloof to one another. Also I have personally noticed differences with family styles in different countries. In England family is tolerated, in Ireland family is revered. In Australia family is needed but otherwise let be, in the USA family is kept sacred.

That is a lot of pressure on families
to be the image in our heads. After all we all see mostly the same TV images of families. It was June Cleaver when
I was young then Mrs. Cunningham or Mrs Brady.

Where is the real image of families in crisis or stress? There are few that are
looked favorably upon.

So what is one to do when in a culture of family ness? It is difficult when you create a different family than the one of your upbringing and them perhaps resent your family of origin for not being the same?

I've also studied lots of different family structures and this is what I know for sure: family it a bunch of people you relate to, family is people that like you and want to be with you, family is something that is two ways, family is
something to strive for, family is something to honor.

Also family isn't necessarily a blood tie or marriage tie, family doesn't consistently make you feel bad, families don't always work well.

Local children's museums

Our family motto is try most things once.  So we sign up for lots of different activities and events and some of them we love.  Below are some that we have tried locally and recommend.

Morris museum 

We love this small and sufficient museum, it has lots to do from toddlers up to adults.  The toddlers come first with the music room filled with things to interact with for kids (and adults) of all ages. Its other collections include costumes and textiles, fine art, decorative art, dolls and toys, natural science, geology and paleontology, and anthropology.  They have programs and events running at various times in the year and various times of the day.  Their summer camps are very popular and affordable.  They also have a donation night where for the cost of a donation you can enter for free.  

I've also heard great things about the Zimmerli museum but for one reason or another haven't tried it yet.

Imagine that Museum, Florham park. Not really a historical museum but a hands on activity center. It is specializes in pre-school age and young school children.  Kids love playing here.

We've also heard about the Princeton Art museum family Saturdays but distance has prevented us from experiencing this program. Let me know if you've tried this museum.

The Children's Museum in Bridgewater.  The Children's Museum has educational exhibits and programs and this museum may travel from location to location.  Young kids love this and it is stress free and suggested donation so very economical.  I'd say kids from 3-10 might like this museum.

xo