Bringing up bêbe - part 2

I see you all agree with me on part 1 of this Book Review… I got no comments, so I assume you must all agree with French child rearing? How wonderful for US/French relations and for the author Pamela Druckerman! Are the French right again? Or perhaps people are content with their styles and not bothering with the latest parenting fad?   Either way, I found it an interesting read and worth considering, at the very least.

No mother is perfect. We logically know this is true, but do we really follow this principal? Of course not we hope this is true and acceptable, but just in case, we go the extra mile. If we burn out, then perhaps we will be sainted? The French are more realistic, assume they won't achieve sainthood, and try not to burn themselves out. After all, there are no perfect Moms.

Parenting involves a framework.  There is a framework called “cadre” that is central to French parenting philosophy. The French enforce a few important rules strictly and ignore the rest (the “naughty” things).

Another concept is that the child inherently will do dumb/naughty things (bêtises) throughout their childhood, which are therefore accepted and ignored. This is most likely why the French are rarely heard yelling at their kids. Americans often assume the kid’s naughtiness is a factor of how well they have taught them, assuming again that kids are blank slates and we imbed everything in them. Therefore, if a kid does something naughty, then perhaps we weren't clear about the rules with them?

Kids are people too, and they speak to them as if they understand from newborns.  Hence, they are expected to say Hello, Goodbye, Please and Thank you to all other people they meet on all occasions (not babies of course, but starting from when they can speak).  Even if they are shy, they must say these things, and to people young or old. American kids may or may not, depending on their mood, which does not enamor them to people (French folk in particular, I guess).  I used to force my kids to do this but my US hubby doesn’t feel pressured to do this, so it fell by the wayside in our house [not true].

Kids are expected to reject a food a dozen times or so, and parents will keep serving a dish a couple dozen times until the child gets used to a taste.  Also, during meals kids aren’t given any snacks or dessert (only during afternoon snack), so a child is encouraged to taste everything.  Parents will also not serve mono diets (diets of only a couple of dishes or ingredients) and will mix diets so much that some foods are served only once a year.  Also, kids often eat separately from the parents. Parents will also feed their children in courses, giving veggies first to take advantage of when they are starving. Parents will cook snacks (gouters) together with the kids, so kids get used to respecting ingredients and foods as well as get used to cooking.

Parents do not accompany kids to play dates or birthdays.  I kind of like this rule.  You get some ‘me’ time during the play date and learn to let go of any parental anxieties of kid’s behavior.  Also it is cheaper for birthday parties (US parties often cost $200-400 per party and include costs for parents). This is a part of fostering independence in the child but is also somewhat in a monitored situation till they are adults.

They also live more for the moment, enjoying the finer but simpler things in life that surely is ‘French’. They will do things like sign their kids up for sleep away camps from 5 yrs old. Americans won't do this until the kids are in middle school or above.  They will encourage independence from a young age and assume the child will have his own life and privacy.  This allows for more ‘Adult time’.  Adult time seems to occur every day in the evening.  The kids are put in their rooms (not necessarily to sleep) and the parents are left alone.  Kids can do what they want but should be sleeping; otherwise they will be tired the next day.  Parents don’t enforce this, as the child will learn this.  (I wish my kids and husband will learn this J).

As a last resort French parents fall on the adage of “it’s me who decides”. Kids get a lot of freedom and are allowed bêtises, but the parent decides at the end of the day any issue (usually within a cadre). In particular, the French cadre includes things about kid’s appearance, kid’s meals, respecting others and so on.  Americans parents get so involved that they almost live their kid’s lives. The French will parent according to the cadre and they will let the kid live his life. I.e., don't interfere in the child’s experiences and try to save them from life experiences and growth.

Again I am not sure I agree with all of the points in this book, but it is interesting to compare the parenting cultures and read someone who studied what the differences might be. I think there is much more to parenting differences than just those in this book, but it is a starting point.

 XO

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Bringing up Bébé

I loved reading this book, “Bringing up Bébé,” written by Pamela Druckerman.  A lot of what she said describes how I was raised (by European parents), but no one does this anymore (in the English speaking western world). We all dutifully follow around our kids and 'helicopter' them. Sad really, and I kind of I wish I had read it sooner, although I don't agree with all of the ideas in the book. We didn't have lots of friends with kids before we had the first. The few family members we have nearby weren’t involved with us.  Other friends, schools, doctors and community also followed the same parenting style, or critiqued our style, our kids or both.

Waiting as a parenting strategy.  From the time they are newborns, French parents wait for a moment before responding to a cry to see what the cry might be about, and this is opposite to what the doctors tell us in the US.  They tell us to respond immediately to a baby's cry and that you can't spoil them by responding to their needs.  They also teach that the baby's self esteem comes from how 'quickly' you respond to their needs.  At one end of the spectrum is neglect and the other end is rushing at a cry - I am guessing the AAP assumes there is no in between. I guess it’s better to be safe than sorry?  However, French kids raised with this strategy get more opportunities for practise self control, and more time to settle themselves and practice waiting.

Babies are gently encouraged to sleep nights from an older newborn age.  Parents wait longer and longer during cries, and soon the baby sleeps nights.  La Leche League would frown on this, so I breast fed on-demand day and night, but felt miserable for months from exhaustion.  Who has the luxury to take naps during the day for months on end as LLL suggests?  

Babies are thought to have some 'intuition or understanding,' and parents respond to them as if they are tiny little humans. That is unlike the 'clean slate' babies we think we bore.  Children are expected to have some privacy and parents don’t expect to be involved in all the child’s experiences and thoughts.  Perhaps because they have been in day care since they were babies, this also allows to parents to separate a little easier. Perhaps some separation anxiety is actually parental anxiety?

Babies are put on a feeding plan including 4 meals a day; this is not for the newborns, but they make older babies wait longer and longer until they are eating/nursing 4 meals a day.  Then, since the baby will be hungry, it will eat a more varied diet and be a little less bored during meals. Also, the French get their kids involved in cooking and preparing food from a very young age. Dessert or snacks is one of the meals (the afternoon meal of course), so the kids don't feel deprived and gorge on candy.  The US is criticized for giving snacks every hour or two for kids in almost every kids program or class. 

The French also give up breastfeeding a little too soon for my comfort, but the mother’s sanity and convenience are paramount for them - it is inconvenient to have a breast available for all meals, for months on end.  AAP suggests breastfeeding for at least a year, and please look at the LLL website for more information on the paramount importance of breastfeeding.  However, there is something tempting in just considering your own needs first before deciding on a strategy that might be cumbersome in the future.

The French love their day care and crèches - staff are trained, well loved and respected professionals.  The French put their babies in crèche from as early as possible.  This is opposite to what we do here in the US.  We wait till as late as possible to go back to work and try to work part or flex time.  The merit here is that the system is helping take care of the kids while you work, while here in the US, it is very cumbersome to take care of kids (such as during summer) and work a full time job.  A lot of families have only one job because they can't find affordable quality care for the time they are not in school.  So if you did want to go back to work after having kids, then you could. 

French women resume their pre-baby identities and lifestyles.  They lose weight as soon as possible and wear the same clothes they had before the baby.  There are no mom jeans or sweats worn as a stay at home mom.  They resume their pre baby lifestyles too.  Seems like they want as little lifestyle to change as possible.  The American parents seem to morph in to a separate being after childbirth.  Different clothes, buys organic food, mom & baby activities etc.

This concludes part one of my book review, as there is so much to discuss.  Of course I expect some responses from you folks, especially if you have heard of or read the book. 

  

 XO

MWF seeking BFF

Hi folks, I've decided to restart this blog and hope to keep you all interested and following.

I got an email recently from my local library about their recent purchases and I almost never read the email, however this time I did.  And I'm glad I did, there was a book that caught my eye, called MWF seeking BFF by Rachel Bertsche.  The cover caught my attention as did the abbreviations.  I almost wasn't sure what it was about but of course what else could it be about?

It was an interesting, gripping read about the authors search for BFF after moving to a new city.  I've been in similar situations many times so it was interesting to compare notes.  I admire her forthrightness in seeking new friends, but found it unusual that it was accepted to be so open about finding new friends.

I liked that she had statistics on friends and references that related to all of us, ie what the dunbar number is and how it relates to us (how many relationships a person can maintain).  She also determined that our genes may indicate our sociability and level of connections.  I can relate to this, while I have lots of people I know, I probably only have 150 (probably fewer) strong connections that meet my friend intimacy standards (ie close reliable connections).  I definitely need to work on that.

Rachel makes it a point to meet 50+ new people over the course of a year in an attempt to make good & lasting friendships.  That is a good goal, makes you want to get out and about more in the attempt and can only be helpful.

Who knew that there were websites for finding friends such as Connectingcircles and girlfriendsocial?  Specifically for friends not for relationships such as Match and such.  I don't know if I'd go on them but interesting that they are there for this particular situation.

I find forced friendship (whether with a group or other situation) doesn't last so making sure you get out and about and meeting new people is definitely the right way to go.

Anyone out there not need friends?  Anyone happy with family as friends?  Anyone's man got lots of friends?

XO