Saturday, August 4, 2012

My own Olympics

I seem to be glued to couch watching the 2012 London Olympics.  After watching nearly everything on TV, I almost considered competing in future Olympics.

I was dreaming (during the commercial) about which event I could compete.  After all they have trampolining, ribbon dancing and handball as Olympic events.  

So I've come up with ideas for creative future events:

Waking up as late as possible and yet still get the kids to school (or camp) on time.  You will be automatically disqualified if your family rises early or prepares the night before. Difficulty points will be given for crabby kids, or for searching for missing items, and being out of gas in the car. We could also throw in hurdles (at the contestants) such as not having directions, needing to buy milk for breakfast, forgetting the time, forgetting to sign up for camp, being up all night, forgetting to set the alarm etc.  Bonus points apply for getting this activity done within 30 minutes while it is snowing with the gas on red and no laundry done.

Coordinating after school activities so that everyone gets to do something but you don't live in the car. So much more challenging that being a chess champion! Also you need a college minor in child development as you can't sign up a kid with 3 similar activities on the same day (unless you are mad at them :)).  You will be disqualified if you carpool.  Difficulty points can be earned by remembering which kid hates which activity, signing up at the last minute, adverse weather, and car servicing or traffic conditions.  Bonus points for bringing appropriate activities for the waiting kids, not getting a traffic ticket and for managing to fit in fast food order along the way. You will get a silver medal automatically if you can eat a whole McDonald’s salad with a fork while you are driving, and not get any stain on your clothes while driving between activities and the kids are whining in the backseat.

Managing to keep a resemblance of two careers and raise kids with no assistance.  This surely gets maximum difficulty points and may require medication (sleeping pills for the kids and uppers for you).  You will be disqualified for having a doting widow grandma or a flexible job.  Points in descending order: having a good day care, having other relatives that still answer the phone when you call, neighbors that haven't yet called CPS and a church that hasn't excommunicated you. Penalties will be applied for a kid with no issues that is easy to manage and never gets sick. Hurdles could be that the kids interrupt the conference call, or working from home with no nanny.  Also you must keep the kid busy with appropriate stimulating activities while you work, bonus points if you get your job done while being interrupted every 20 seconds, if your kid has ADD, if you home school, if you clean the house and you the gardening while doing all the above.

Making meals that the whole family will eat.  This is usually a multi day event that requires deciding what to eat/serve, buying food, having time to prep food, cooking, serving and the whole family eating it.  You will be disqualified if someone says thank you or 'it was delicious' or helps clear up.  Bonus points if this gets done in 30 minutes starting at 5:30 pm (including shopping), bonuses if it is has colorful vegetables and done in between after school activities.  Difficulty points awarded for multitasking while doing this and for not having any of the ingredients on hand for the proposed meal or for making a meal from weeds in the garden.  Most contestants will make their complete meal from scratch, including making your own bread, growing vegetables, making yogurt etc. Extras awarded for milling your own wheat or milking your own cow. Penalties for kids that will eat whatever is in front of them and for kids or that aren't at least one of the below: have allergies, gluten sensitive, dairy intolerant, vegetarians, vegans, fussy eaters, picky eater, kosher, diabetic, on a diet, or halal. Extra points if you know of the below diets and can work out a meal plan for a dinner party for 30 people: Low Oxalate, SCD, GAPS, Body Ecology, Failsafe, Feingold, and Weston A. Price.  If your child is anorexic then you are automatically awarded a bronze medal!

Looking nice needs to be an Olympic event.  It is a multi pronged effort. You would need to know the season you are in [and the clothes aren't in the attic - eaten by moths, or moldy in the basement], (bonus points if you are jet lagged and lost your luggage), color matching (extra points if you are color blind or completely blind).  You need to be young enough to know what is in style (points for getting a teenagers approval on your style for a school meeting).  You need to have access to appropriate stores, difficulty points for dressing for a fancy event with shopping at the dollar store, or for only having Nordstrom’s nearby and needing a whole outfit for $2.  You will be disqualified if you are gorgeous and don't have any figure problems or if everything looks great on you (just because :)).  Extra points if you can dress for a wedding without having done any shopping or laundry and within 15 minutes (you get silver automatically if it is your wedding!).  Points for the below: doing laundry by hand, having detergent, having time to do laundry, drying on a line, folding clothes and ironing everything  (including underpants), putting clothes away in closets or dressers.  No points if you husband and kids actually do any laundry or know what clothes to combine to look nice and appropriate for the activity.  No points if clothes end up in the hamper (instead of the floor).  Bonus points for turning all clothes inside out and checking pockets or washing instructions.

Max points for making your own detergent and sewing your whole families own clothes, growing your own cotton, making your own fabric (including undergarments and shoes), ironing with an iron you put in the fireplace (or can get out wrinkles without any iron at all) and still having some friends and social activities.

Any other creative or interesting events you can think of folks?



  1. I am reading this almost exactly a year late. I should get a qualifyier round just for being able to read while raising kids.. This is so funny and yet oh so true!


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